I’m single and I’m turning 35 in September.
I relocated to one of the biggest cities in the country and have watched so many adventures unfold over the past 10 months.
I couldn’t be happier.
But my heart still aches for my one and only and having my own children.
Over the past month, I started to get really scared that it won’t ever happen. That I won’t find him and I won’t get to have babies that I can brag about like my friends have done over the years.
Having a child on my own has consumed my thoughts as of late more than I care to admit. I did finally admit it to one of my best friends Friday night, but I found myself backpedaling and knowing it isn’t the right thing for me to pursue.
Sure, I know that if I opted to see a doctor, make sure the body was in a good spot and investigate sperm donors, I would have all the support in the world from my family and friends. I haven’t stopped to think about so many things associated with a decision like that though. For instance, I’m halfway through my graduate school program and I’m sure being pregnant would only make the remaining half that much harder. I also live in a very small and expensive apartment. My budget is tight enough for me and the feline; I can’t imagine adding another growing mouth to feed at this point. But the pauses for practicality don’t stop the heartache for a little one to love and raise.
My mom didn’t have me until she was 38 but for some reason, I feel like I’m running out of time. Most of my friends have stopped having children and my Facebook feeds are now flooded with elementary school achievements, trips to Disney and 10 year plus wedding anniversaries.
I really try to push past these thoughts and continue to have faith that my time will come. But every once in awhile, uglier thoughts push in that say, “Well maybe getting married and having children isn’t for you.” or “You’re headed for a great career, why do you want anything else?”
Going back to Friday night, that same best friend and I were in a store that had a baby and child section and we always look at that section because we both want children. But, I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to be reminded of something I really want but don’t have yet. After that moment, I got really sad. And like usual, I brushed it off and moved on.
I know I should keep my faith that it will happen and that I’m not out of time.
I know even more so that it’s not a good decision for me to have a child on my own either.
So I continue to pray, live and hope that the child in my heart is someone I eventually get to meet.